2003 Bond Lake AC

Scratch Race Results

SCRATCH RACE* 2003:

Preliminary Lineup

TIMES SUBMITTED BASED ON BEST 5K TIME IN 2003

(subject to adjustment) 

26:00:25  Garry Maslanka - Maslanka insists that the last 'real' race he ran was the 201 mile long RTB 2002 Relay. In the spirit of true sportsmanship, however, Maslanka will use the first 25 hours and 25 seconds to reconstruct the Bond Lake downhill chairlift, so that he can combine his Ski Patrol activities with his running. Quote: "Holiday Valley is just too darn far, man."

3:40:00**  Tom Proctor - At their recent Graduation Party, through some unknown form of alien intervention (“Beam me up, Scotty?!?) Tom and little (?) Brother Pat ended up swapping bodies. At this time it is not known which brother will be racing in Tom's body. Quote:  "I rest my CASE!!!  HAHAHAHAHA!" 

34:25  Bob Eberhardt - Coach Eberhardt, suffering from pre-mature ej.., ah, delusions of grandeur has threatened (?) not to run if his team gets to the State Meet being held on the same day. All we can say is "Good Luck Lockport." Quote: "……who the hell IS Tom Proctor, anyway?????.....and what happened to his illegitimate son,

Pat?????.......preening people sure as heck better hope…"etc,…

Late Breaking News Flash: “YES!”

27:30  Dan Woitas – Appalled that the moral climate of the Bond Lake A.C. has severely deteriorated in his absence, Woitas is getting up off of his rocking chair to put the fear of God, or is it the devil, back into the membership. Quote: "Scott! You a**hole!"

27:18  Amy Fakterowitz - Fakterowitz, finally realizing that the Scratch Race* is a handicapped race, revealed her secret in order to take full advantage of the fact that the charter of the Bond Lake A.C. requires club members to observe the provisions of the "Americans with Disabilities Act” of 1979. Quote: " I would like to enter with a 27:18. Did I ever tell you I was dyslexic?" p.s. “I’m leaving my dog Coal home, where I know that he’ll be safe.”

26:37  Sue Watkins - Having recently wed living legend Jason McGrath, Watkins, winner of last year’s Scratch Race,* has been unable to train for her title defense as she had planned, having to deal with the news media, agents, negotiating for book deals, films, etc. Quote: "Therefore, I shall repeat as the Scratch

Race* (trademarked) champion on pure skill."

25:42 Kim Chemielewicz – Chemielwicz had no idea when she volunteered to help out with race day registration for the RUT Race that she would be invited to participate in the Scratch Race, yet she did an outstanding job. Quote: “I’ve learned a valuable lesson from this experience: NEVER volunteer for anything!”

25:28 Don Mitchell - Quote: " I just wish that Pam London had told me about her great idea earlier. While doing fieldwork in New Guinea a while back, I acquired the shamanistic skill of communicating with The Other Side. Since then, it's like I practically have the spirit of Fred on speed-dial. I wouldn't have hesitated to ask him to pull a few strings and move the NYC Marathon back a week, so that both of us could have missed the Scratch Race*.

25:03 +/- 5:00** William Seyler, esq. – Sir Bill, recently knighted on his return from the Sandwich Islands, naturally assumed that he had a place on the Anthony Garrow Support Team for the Ironman Florida competition being held the day after the Scratch Race,* thus providing him with an ironclad excuse for missing same.  Unfortunately, Mrs G. did not appreciate Mr. G’s attempt to bump her from his team in favor of the IronHead. Quote: “OK, I’ll just keep hitting my bad knee with this ball-peen hammer up to noon on race day, just to give Eberhardt a fighting chance..” 

25:00  Anne Ayers - Having recently moved down south to some place near the Pennsylvania state line, Ayers hoped that no one would notice, and that she could skip the race, but after reading the NY Times story, she knew that had a duty to provide psychiatric nursing care as needed.

Quote:  "I predict I'm going to win, even though arriving late....Pam will be performing Lobotomies on a few in the club, Sue will be too heavy with all those sandbags attached, Scott will be off in the woods somewhere,chasing some poor animal, Jan will be off writing a sequel to the Scot story…"

24:06   Patty McManus - McManus, once again demonstrating that being an IronWoman does not being not necessarily mean being an IronHead (sorry, Seyler) cleverly avoided racing at any distance shorter than a 10K in 2003, and that only after a night of hard partying. Quote:

" Just remember, Jim, that you're the one that ran a 50 miler a couple of weeks ago, not me."

23:14  Rob Vanderwerf - Rob has recently cancelled his membership in the Elks, and hurriedly changed his costume plans for Halloween ("Bambi ? No way, Jose! Way too risky). Quote:

"Who is this Scott Patterson guy anyways?

All I know is I got about 15 emails from her the other day!"

22:38 Catherine Meyer - Since Meyer has made it clear that she cannot participate in the race unless it is a team event, the race organizers have agreed to place life-size photo cut-outs along the course of any of her Checkers XC team mates who are not present. Quote: "Go team! Go Amy! Go team! Go Becky! Becky?"

22:22  Scott Patterson – Patterson, in the purest spirit of Club solidarity, is still being allowed to run in this year's race despite several strong, formal protests from various rights groups: S.P.C.G. (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Gerbils), P.E.T.A. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Aliens - "It's disgraceful that this individual is passing himself as an alien") and the F.B.B. (Friends of Bambi's Brother). Questioned, while trying to revive his failed lounge act as white rapper ‘Bag o’ M&M’s,’ Patterson commented: Quote: 

                             "I may be big, but I ain't bad,

                              'cept shit been goin' down

                              makin' me mad.

                              Dude name of Jan done run out of luck,

                              'Get my hands on him, he'd wished

                              he'd been that buck."

22:08  Henri Kursten - On returning to town after posting his smoking 2:50 PR at Chicago,  Kursten, third place finisher in last year's race, was dismayed to learn of the massive sandbagging problems plaguing this year's line-up. Quote #1: " Some of the times submitted are just plain ridiculous - I mean Eberhardt is at least 5 to 10 seconds faster than the time listed!" Quote #2: "…since I think I have placed more times at this event than any other member I will start last. (remember I set this course up, I know the shortcuts)"  Quote #3: "By the way. 'Mr.' McGrath, you're toast." 

21:30  Ray Ernst - Prior to running a 20 minute PR at last week’s Casino Niagara Marathon, Ernst had been eagerly looking forward to running this year's race. Unfortunately, he had neglected to read his e-mail for a couple of weeks. Quote: "Just what the hell kind of group did I hook myself up with?"

21:17 Mike Schiavone - Schiavone, concerned about some worrisome trends among male club members, has personally recruited two busloads of Wellesley College students to provide moral support during the Scratch Race.* Quote: "As Club President, I'll do whatever it takes to keep any more of my guys from playing for the other team(s)."

21:26 John Moore - Moore, the only non-club member to run in all seven RUT Races, quietly observed: Quote: "If you don't stop asking me to run the Scratch Race,* I'm going to have to start boycotting the RUT Race."

21:15 Pam London - London, exhausted from her successful Sandy's Coffee Shop suicide intervention, spent the week prior to the NYC Marathon in an unsuccessful attempt to get marathon race officials to delay the race by one, measly, little week, so that she would have an excuse for not running the Scratch Race*. Quote: "And as for the diagnosis - as Dr. Bones McCoy once said: He's dead, Jim. ( Oh wait, that was 3 times. )I'm a doctor, not a mechanic!"

21:00  Joe Kielb - Kielb initially was puzzled when Scott told him that he looked like the singer Elton John. Now, he's just worried. Quote: "Any questions, ask one of my bodyguards."

20:57  Chuck Miller - Before last Saturday's descent to the brink of madness, Miller had appeared to be a real contender in this year's race. When the attendant in the sanitarium where he is recuperating handed him the phone, he offered the following sad comments: Quote: "Hello? Hello? Is anybody on this line? Hello…."

20:33 - Diane Sardes - Sardes will not be able to compete this year, as she will be in Florida, supporting her husband Tony in the Ironman. Quote #1: " Can you believe that Tony had the nerve to ask me if I'd rather stay home, just so that Bill, who I have to admit is a better bike mechanic than me, could join his crew?"  Quote #2: "Oh, no! I just remembered that Scott will be watching my poor cat!"

20:20**  Rebecca Fowlston - Fowlston decided to submit a time based on her favorite TV newsmagazine. Unfortunately, she will not be around to see if the experiment works out. When a consortium of Las Vegas casino's learned that she bet based on the system learned at the “J. McGrath School of Black Jackology,” they comped her the total cost of a long weekend.

Quote: (overheard at a casino blackjack table, with a king and a seven showing): “Hit me!”

20:20  Jim Kavanagh - Kavanagh who showed amazing self control by waiting a two full weeks after running a tough 50 mile off-road race, before running as an international scoff-law bandit in a recent marathon, has also recently demonstrated exceptional sensitivity to the nuances of  women’s clothes fashions, as worn by men. Quote:  "Aw, come on Patty, I was only kidding about you sandbagging!"

20:20  Pat Roach - Roach, who is both a retired peace officer and a practicing lawyer, will not be able to compete this year.  Quote: "After reading the NY Times article about that unfortunate deer, I realized that it was more important to offer to my services on race day, pro bono, to the S.P.C.G., the P.E.T.A., and the F.B.B.

20:10 Tim Galvin - It is gratifying to report that Galvin's recent exposure, as a Tour de France groupie, to the French mind-set has left him completely unchanged. Quote: "Salutations à mes membres de club pathétiques de camarade. Il est seulement avec un vif regret que j'ai laissé à la France, l'endroit le plus glorieux sur terre, au retour au trou de puanteur connu sous le nom de lac Bond. Et pour vous, Monsieur Patterson, appelez-vous toujours, ils ne sont pas des fritures d'"liberté", ils sont les fritures "françaises!"

19:38  Tony Garrow - Garrow wisely chose to compete in Ironman Florida, specifically to avoid having to run the Scratch Race.*  Quote #1: "I just felt that the Ironman would be less painful." Quote #2: "Sorry, Bill."

19:38**  John Pepke - Surprisingly, the usually loquacious Pepke has been as silent as a tomb. All competitors should therefore be on guard against a possible surprise torpedo attack by the crusty, former submariner. 

19:14 Tom Appenheimer - Quote: "I started training for the 2004 Florida Ironman five minutes ago."

19:13  Tom Miller -Miller, on the strength of one brief utterance, demonstrated both why he fits the ideal entrant profile for the Scratch Race,* and why he may well need psychiatric help.  Quote: "When I grow up, I want to be just like Jason."

19:08  The Queen of Kona - The Queen of Kona, formerly known as Joanne York Rappl, offered the following comments on her return to the mainland after dusting the course in PR fashion for the second straight year. Quote: "As sign of the high regard with which we hold our loyal retainer and race crew chief, Sir William Seyler, we have allowed ourselves to be persuaded to compete for the first time in this hopefully amusing event." 

18:57  Jeff Tracy - (See Tony Garrow).

18:28  Dave Sardo – Sardo, second in last year’s Scratch Race, is unable to compete in this year’s edition. Stated reason: “I have to referee a H.S. football game.” True reason: “When I heard that Watkins was running again, I started to feel a little nervous. When I read her coolly confident prediction, I knew that I didn’t stand a chance. Quote: “Instead of refereeing, I’m going to suit up, jump in the game, and start hitting people until the pain goes away.”

17:24  Jason McGrath - It is gratifying to report that Mr. McGrath, a reticent, self-effacing type, who runs 80 miles a week to "stay fit" has not been affected by his recent victory in the grueling, 14 mile off-road Ridgewalk race.

Quote #1: "In the words of my role model, Julius Caesar (did you notice that we have the same first initial?) 'Veni, Vidi, Vici.'  (translation: "Nyah nyah nanyah nyah - I told you so!)." Quote #2: " my time is 17:24 only one second slower than my ALL TIME PR (just so no one accuses ME of sandbagging when I WIN!)."

15:36**  Jan Jezioro - Jezioro at first not only claimed that he was completely recovered from his knee surgery, but that he had managed to travel back in time, thus altering his genetic make-up sufficiently to post this astonishing projected 5K time. Quote #1: "Actually, when I received the first threat, from you-know-who, I laughed it off. The next half dozen threats, however, forced me to re-consider my race strategy, and I decided that it was just too dangerous to let anyone to start behind me. Quote #2: "Rich Clark? I don't think that he's sufficiently trained his powers of telekinesis to pull it off. If he's not careful, he may well find himself somewhere halfway between Florida and Bond Lake. I'd hate to see him wind up in a "Deliverance" situation someplace in the mountains of West Virginia, though of course that would probably still be safer than being alone in the woods with Patterson." 

12:34** Rich Clark - Clark had trained extra hard all year long to wipe away the ignominy of last year's fourth place finish. When he realized that he would have to be in Florida as part of Team Garrow on race day, he didn't let that stop him. Clark immediately applied himself to mastering an advanced form of telekinesis, and he remains confident that he can both smoke the Scratch Race* field, party hearty, and be back in Florida before midnight. Quote #1: "Fourth place sucks!" Quote #2: "Think till you puke, than think harder."

NOTE: (*) Trademark Registered

            (**) Projected